a really dark place.

you remember that little part of your mind, where all your fears and deep desires are hidden from everyone else?
you place them there cause you've been told to not think of such horrible thoughts, that they're silly, but though you wanted to throw them out, they latch on to you like it's part of you, so instead, you put them in a locked safe and push them to the wee back corner. There it gather's dust, and you hope that one day you'll forget they were ever there, and they eventually vanish with time.
But, lets be honest, they never do. You go on living your life, but those thoughts, those emotions are alive. they were, and always will be. Sometimes, they some how manage to escape that locked box, and find their way back to you. You, not expecting them, get ambushed, and that little bit of feeling, that small spark.. ignites a forest fire of emotions, whether they be rage, or depression.
Your conscious mind is able to struggle out of the devastation, and tries to help get your emotional self out, but it's too strong, the black flames grab hold of the helpless you and you become entangled and start to feed off them. it's only after time passes, do they flames fade, and slowly, they become ember. Cool enough for you to pick up and place back into the little box in the corner, yet alive enough to escape... once again.

I don't know about you, but i have a little box that's hidden. but being the emotional person that i am, i don't hide it in a corner, i have a room. My room is filled with a variety of emotions, not all are bad, but most of them aren't very good. I have a scale of "badness" for organizing these thoughts. In general, they're very petty stuff, things that come and go, and when they resurface, they don't really hurt me for long. But... even in my large room, there is still a corner where it never sees the light of day.

With the end of the year winding down, i find myself putting more into that little box. I get told things that aren't meant to hurt, but for some reason, they hurt, a lot. So, i store them in there.

This particular day, a normal conversation triggered something i thought had finally died within me. When this deep emotion of failure came alive, i found myself in a very dark place. Instead of flames, i found myself engulfed in darkness, i couldn't get out, and i feel that a part of me never will. In this dark hole, i couldn't see anything, but i heard only one voice. this voice kept repeating to me, "i told you so." this is arguably one of the most feared of words that a person could hear.
I know people say it's ok.. just let it go. but for me, it's a lot easier said than done. Sometimes, I feel just too helpless.

but please, don't worry about me, i haven't turned completely to the dark side, i've just visited a really really dark place that i hope no one else has to go to.

“I say my hell is the closet I'm stuck inside”- Dave Matthews Band