have you ever noticed

*i would like to say that i had this typed up for a while, only i didn't think it was the right time to post it up... till now*

have you ever noticed how... when something happens to you, and you try to block it out, the more often it seems to appear before you... it's like a reoccurring theme in your life. it might have been there before, only... you haven't noticed it till now.

this is what i mean...

i was recently listening to an episode of vinyl cafe. (its a radio show, where.. er.. a dude reads this story he writes... it's more than that but i'll going to keep it simple...)

but yeah i was listening to it. the story on that day started about the passing of a grandfather... when i heard that my mind when.. oh no.. not death related... again.. but for some reason i couldn't stop listening.

the basic story line of this story was... on the surface, about a grandfather passing on, and he left an old unscratched lottery ticket. while he was alive, he would tell everyone that it was a winning ticket, though he'd never scratched it. and it would then lead to some sort of a conversational starter where he'd ask you what would you do with 10 thousand dollars...

but basically the main plot was that the family couldn't decide what to do with the ticket now that the grandfather wasn't there. Should they scratch the ticket or not?

i won't tell you the rest of the story cause i'm bad at telling you... so this should be the link to the podcasting of the story. Stuart McLean is one of the best story tellers i've heard so i'll let him take it away. Mind you the story is near the end of the podcasting. so you'll need to look though the podcasting a bit.

http://podcast.cbc.ca/mp3/vinylcafe_20100403_26332.mp3

but yeah.. i was listening to the story and it was kinda sad, but in a happy way. that was... till i got to the end of the story.

At the end, there was a talk between the grandfather and the main character... and for some reason i broke out into tears. i couldn't hold it in anymore.

After my first initial set of tears, i stop and couldn't believe that the mentioning of death in the family was so around much around us.

a couple of days ago i went to get the mail. i saw that we had gotten a letter from my family overseas. this was very unexpected since we usually don't get mail from my HK family and because one of my aunts had recently passed away, everyone is kinda busy with everything. i stared at it for a while.. before i realize what it was.

earlier in the week, we had gotten a phone call telling us that my aunt clara, had recorded a message to all of us, and that they were going to send us a copy of the dvd.

i held on to that envelope, and when i felt that it was a CD... my heart stopped for a sec. i really wanted to see what was on the dvd.. but i didn't want to see what she was like, cause i know, i know that i'll break into tears again.

i haven't seen that envelope since i brought it inside, and i don't think i want to. i'm afraid of what i'll see, and how i'll react to it. maybe one day... i'll gather enough courage to watch that dvd, but till then.....

*i'm still here, i may seem to be gone, but i'm only gone for a little trip,

whatever i was once, i am still.....*