Silver lining

Despite all the negativity I've been feeling lately, I found my silver lining today :).
Today I met up with two of my good friends.
These friends have a special place in my heart. I don't see them often, so it's always fun to catch up and see what they're up to. In addition, unlike most of the people I was seeing on a daily basis this year, they studied linguistics with me. So, in a way, they're my "linguistic" friends.

It was refreshing talking to a different group of people. We spent about three hours talking about how our linguistic background has effect our lives with a remembrance of the people in the classes we didn't like, and then it went to talking about various cute butts, to who was cute or not.

It was such a refreshing change. A day where I didn't have to deal with the usual boring topics, ie: anything to deal with archaeology, other classmates, *eye roll*

In general, we all liked the change. I find myself missing them loads. Since my undergraduate degree was a double major. I was able to have a two group of friends who had different topics of interest (thank god!) and different views on life. Strangely, it was the linguistic group that I preferred to hang with most of the time. 

I just have to remember, to keep looking for that silver lining!

*sigh*

i was talking to a friend today, and wow did all my messed up emotions come up.
all the years of supressed emotions all came bubbleing up.. and i got a mini self realization of how troubled i am.

all the things that ppl have said to my past started to appear in my head again.
the sad part? ppl don't know that they have said stuff that have hurt me.

All you those who said things about me failing... you can all so screw yourself.
i don't understand how you could all say those things to me. and what's worse... i still consider you a friend. even till this day.
i don't know why i'm more dissappointed in.. my weak will, or the way you act towards me. maybe you think that cuase we're such good friends, we can "have conversations" like this...but man you don't know how much i don't like you.

i feel there are some years that i could have done without. i know there are many years which A LOT of thearpy of still won't be able to fix.

i am one broken bag of troubles waiting to let it all out...
the only problem is... how is it going to come out? easily? or forcefully?

but i don't wanna go~

after such a long time of ignoring this blog.. or.. what's left of it.. lol
it's time i start b*tchin about my life again.. more specifically, how much school actually sucks.. lol

*cue darth vader march theme*
i'm looking at my clock as i see the seconds tic away my freedom.. >< the school day start in less than 3 mins... and i am NOT looking forward to it...
i was packing my bag, and when i was done, i picked it up to take it to my room...
and BOY DID IT FEEL HEAVY
maybe it's a psychological burden.. or sumthing.. but i took one look and thought.. "there is no way i'm carrying this around till 9 tmr night"

and though it's my 3rd year... i still get a sinking feeling when i see that my profs have already posted the whole course's worth of HW up waiting for us to work on it.. or.... "get a head start"...
don't they know that seeing it is very overwhelming?

as the kid on TV says...
"the best thing about school?.. umm... the first and the last day... "

-i personally could do without the first day actually.. lol -

being pulled in all directions....

i encountered another one of life's crossroads,
i know which path i need to choose is the most logical and the smartest route,
yet...
i can't seem to make my heart to go the same path.
the expectations of so many make the final decision even harder.
i feel like i'm being pulled in at least 4 different places,
one to go to the path on the right,
one to go to the path on the left,
one to go and turn around and run down the path that i came from,
and the last one... feels like just sitting there and forever be at the crossroads.........

what sucks is that there's a time limit in when i need to make this decision..
and i don't work well under pressure...
i never do.....

my one regret....

well the feeling of impending doom has arrived... and now it's effecting me psychologyically...

i can't sleep.. it's almost 2am.. and my body is physically tired, but my mind is still racing from the events of earlier today. every time i lie down in bed, my heartbeat speeds up, my breathing rapids and upseting images and words of my piano teach echo through my head. not to mention my stomach suddenly developing a hole and slowly devour me inside out....

i have my last and final piano exam in about 6 weeks, and i am in no shape to achieve a high mark right now. everyone tells me that they know that i'll be able to pull it off if i work my butt off, apparently i have the talent... it's just that i lack the practicing.

i really want to do well on this exam, i have made soo many mistakes with the piano that, i want it to end on a slightly happy note. i'm upset that i have wasted so much time of in my life to do something that i feel now is somthing that i dispise and hate very much. i'm upset that i didn't practice more.. earlier... so i wouldn't be worrying now...
this week was hell week from me so i'm not surprised that my lesson went felt like i was in hell. have 3 exams pratically one after the other... and only getting 4 hrs of sleep these past couple of days isn't the best either.

i go back to my piano teacher on tuseday... and by then she's expecting me to not have anymore mistakes... i have4.5 days, (it's a tuseday evening lesson) to HAVE to turn my life i around..
i'm not really a religous person but since i'm desperate i'm hoping that you are willing to give me strength and pray that i can pull this off... i have faith that i can do it.. *i have to just keep reminding myself that...*

putting this out there is making me feel slightly better.. since it's not completely couped up inside me... but i wish i can just trun back time and make some better decisions.. maybe i wouldn't be in the dumb sitution that i am in now..


may god give me strength....

the end... or is it...

my exams are finally over.. but i can't help to get that feeling that impending doom is close behind.. ><